Proncfrood, your absurdism never ceases to amuse

From the desk of General Tlanbuun

General Proncfrood,

Demands, now, is it? I thought we would be negotiating for the peaceful exchange of prisoners. But if demands are what you want, then demands are what you'll get.

Firstly, you must personally apologize, face to face, with the leader of the Happy Rainbow Brigade for your continued slander against their name. These cookie-selling children are not, as you call them most recently, "a hate group furthering the cause of genocide across the stars." The most offensive thing this group has ever done is travel, without permission from Xathnarian High Command, to your personal residence. They tried to give you a basket of free cookies in an attempt to end this thousand-year war.

You responded by setting your Blortinese slug-beasts upon them. Their deaths were neither quick nor painless. Your evening news showed you and your gelatinous friends eating the cookies and laughing heartily as the poor Rainbow Brigadiers were slowly dissolved by the slug-beasts' digestive fluids.

The meeting will take place on a neutral planet of our choosing, and the proceedings will be universally telecast live.

Secondly, you will take back the four terrorists who have been residing comfortably within my domain for these thirty-five years. Robotic beasts? What nonsense! Despite what "horrors" you wrongly think they may have suffered, I'm sure they would much prefer to be brought home. They have seen much of your Blortinese news broadcasts, and are looking forward to returning to the people who now regard them as great heroes. Perhaps they will be rewarded greatly, perhaps appointed to assorted positions of high power in your military?

Thirdly, PARXON 7 must be turned over to Xathnarian professionals. I was much saddened when I heard of his horrifying accident, especially so when I learned he was on his way to testify against Blortinon in the Intergalactic War Crimes court on Parpacia. As the last living witness of the events leading to the destruction of his people, his testimony would have made solid the case against you and your kind. I realize that you have said again and again that no one knows what caused those asteroids to suddenly shift course toward his small craft, but Xathnarian forces in the area found traces of your negative energy weaponry in the area, raising suspicions about your honesty in this matter.

It also raises questions about your doctors' motivations in the care of poor PARXON. If any of his friends and family were still alive, I'm sure they would rather he be placed in the care of the far superior hospitals on Xathar. He must be promptly brought back to health so he can provide the courts with his testimony.

As for your other ridiculous demands, our bombing of your immense opium fields did indeed strike a blow against your budget, but it also prevented your hired criminal cohorts from continuing to sell your illicit goods in elementary schools across the galaxy. I, as well as the Parpacian court, feel that this was a necessary and unpreventable attack. Xathnar will be more than happy to assist in the rebuilding of your economy, however. Perhaps you could sell some of your larger banking assets to us. We would hate to see Blortinon's people suffer needlessly because of their drug-lord leadership.

And we will never give you the plans for our purely scientific Black Hole Generator. Given your reckless disregard for innocent life shown by your repeated use of negative energy weapons on non-military targets, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing that you held the power to destroy entire planetary systems in your horrible clutches.

I don't even understand why you are so intent on building your own black hole generator, when it's destructive capabilities are nothing compared to your own endless source of mayhem and death: your negative energy cannons. Obviously you would only use such a device to lay the blame of thousands of newly destroyed planets on Xathnarian troops.

Rather, I demand that YOU provide the plans for your negative energy cannons to our Xathnarian scientists, so that we can develop some method of bringing back mass from the negative dimension, perhaps returning trillions of innocents to life. Perhaps they will bolster the ranks of the ever-growing Xathnarian army.

Awaiting your reply,
General Tlanbuun

P.S. Never will I dirty my statue with your filthy filthy lies. Never.