Proncfrood, Proncfrood, Proncfrood...

From the desk of General Tlanbuun, 95th fleet, Xathnar

General Proncfrood,

I find it amusing you still control your fleet from the confines of your "office" aboard whatever passes for your flagship. Do you all wear bezxties? Are there casual Khandays? Do you offer dental? But I digress.

Again with the accusations regarding our Black Hole generator! How many times must I explain to you that this amazing breakthrough has, is, and always will be used for scientific experimentation and not military purposes? Soon we will be able to stabilize a black hole small enough to approach for real study. Perhaps wormhole travel will be possible in our lifetimes, thanks to the tireless efforts of Xathnar's finest minds! Granted, I'm sure a lot of things will happen in our lifetimes, as I am nearing my 16th century of existance and haven't even felt the need to purchase a sleek ship to go chasing "space-tail," to use the vernacular.

And forgive me for the slipup regarding the "negative dimension." I assumed your own Blortinon Ledger had checked its scientific facts before publishing that treatise of Aldimus Globulon's last year on the subject. Although I must admit, it should have tipped me off when he referred to space as "the great sky pudding." Globulon is your Poet Laureate, is he not?

Now, about my "spies"...

The five children you kidnapped from the elementary school you mentioned were only spies insofar as they had alerted the Xathnarian media about your repeated attempts to harvest their organs for your horrible pagan rituals. I shudder to think of them at your "resort," being forced to watch as their fellow prisoners are fed one by one into a "pool" of carnivorous beasts. I hear that some of the guards have taken to gambling on the results as well. Let's see what the Nanarkhian war crimes tribunal will have to say about that.

Oh, we can't, can we?

Normally, I would simply destroy the whole place from a safe distance, just to put the poor inmates out of their misery, but you seem to have gone out of your way to make sure that all five of the "spies" are the sons and daughters of my fleet admirals and closest friends. So, with much hesitation, I will... negotiate... for their release.

Perhaps we can trade for the four terrorists who attempted to topple my statue over into the capital city? That is, if they even wish to leave the comfort of my mountain retreat, where they have been happily living in peace for almost thirty years.

I await your reply.

General Tlanbuun

P.S. I find it fascinating that your people still insist on elections every three months, even though you have rigged them all for the entirety of your term in office thusfar.

P.P.S. We recycle our dead into meals because we abhor the thought of our bodies being useless waste! Can you Blortinots never comprehend this? Or are you too busy filling another galaxy with your seemingly endless outflow of garbage?