General Proncfrood,

I am glad to hear you are well, as am I that you chose such a neutral place as Earth's internet to hold our correspondence. Hopefully it will soon be known throughout all of creation what a backstabbing, genocidal megalomaniac you truly are. Your most recent message encapsulates this exceedingly well.

Ah, Proncfrood, when will your compulsive lying ever cease? Is your entire race completely incapable of relating events as they happened? Yes, of course I fired upon a "nursery" ship of yours. I put "nursery" in quotes because the ship in question was the exact size and shape of one of your fleet destroyers, and was visibly armed with what appeared to be enough negative energy weaponry to level most of Xathnar.

The fact that "Nusrery"(sic) was crudely scrawled across the side of this attack ship was not enough to stay my fleet's hand.
And, since you bring up the treaty of Nanarkhis VII, I might remind you that the original purpose of said treaty was to forever outlaw the manufacture or use of negative energy weapons! I find it ironic that your most recent violation of this treaty resulted in the annihilation of the Nanarkhis system itself, along with a significant portion of my fleet. That's right, because your weaponry detonated during the firefight, over seventy billion lives are lost, and the peaceful Nanarkhans are no more, lost to the negative dimension that houses so many worlds destroyed by your cretinous followers.

We will never know if the negative energy was detonated by a stray shot during the intense fifteen minute battle, or if one of the slug-like cowards you call officers gave the order to self-destruct as a last, desperate grab for some skewed sense of honor. We could perhaps sift through the wreckage to determine the cause of the explosion, but as any remains are at the center of a new black hole, I would rather let the mystery remain unsolved. You of course are welcome to send Blortinon's finest scientific minds, if you are so inclined. Perhaps they can make some fascinating new discoveries, such as "Black hole bad! BAD!"

As for that incoherent ramble about my taking a leap off my statue, I'm afraid you must be confused. My statue is no mere 3000 feet tall, but over 30 million. It is so massive, it has affected the tides on the planet, so that all currents now flow toward the capital city of Buun. It's glistening spires can be seen, perhaps, even from the bug-swamps of Blortinon. Of course, if I were to leap off of the top of it, I would simply drift off into space.

You must have been thinking of your own "monument", standing perhaps no more than a thousand feet tall. I'm sure you would have made it bigger, but fecal matter is such a poor building material. Try stone next time, it might even make fewer of your peasants/slaves deathly ill. The "Proncfrood illness" I believe they call it? Interesting choice of a legacy to leave your people.

Of course, the legacy will not last, as within the decade Xathnar's mighty fleet will seek out and destroy the last of your vile kind.

Xathnar be proud,
General Tlanbuun


Oh, Xathnar my planet, the home of the wise,
With your dapple-mauze trees and flieny skies
How lucky am I to live midst your Pandicot trees
For else I wouldst live on Blortinon, planet of crap.

-from the national anthem of Xathnar